2.10.16

Trying so hard to put the pieces back together | tâm sự 2h sáng

It’s been a month since I moved to London. Exactly a month.

Everything is strange, exciting, yet tough and exhausting. Sometimes there’s a sudden depression. Sometimes there’s nothing, just me and my emptiness.

I always know that being on my own would be hard, but it’s getting harder than it should be.
Maybe it’s because im 17 and never been abroad.
Maybe it’s because i have never been away from my mom for more than 2 days.
Maybe it’s because im trying so hard to pretend to people around me here that im fine and im sick and tired of faking it.
Maybe it’s just because i feel lost so easily.

I thought I would be different and be able to refresh my life, myself. I thought I could overcome my eating disorder and anxiety. But no. Hell fucking no. I still cry myself to sleep everynight. I feel like I cant breathe im about to faint everyday walking back home from school. And no matter how strong I think I can be, life just leaves me all the feelings, shattered and lost.

Money is another problem. Having a broken family and seeing mom trying her best everyday to save more for me to study abroad is seriously stressing me out. And everything here is fucking expensive and everything costs. The fact that all my flatmates and classmates like actually everyone around me their families are all so rich sometimes makes me hurt. It’s a bit annoying to hang out with them and hear about all the nice things they can afford. It’s also awkward when my flatmates want to eat out which means I have to spend more but I cant say no.

School and studying depress me. People from my art class are so fucking talented when im almost useless I cant even work with watercolor. Textiles class is like a nightmare. The other girls are all pretty british, they talk all the time im just a strange creature in the corner of the class. I talk to no one. I’m scared, of those girls and everything. I don’t feel passionate and struggle with finding inspiration and ideas for art all the time. I just sit there everynight staring at the blank paper for 5 hours.

Sometimes I ask myself if I made the right choice but I never regret. Im still trying to balance it all. I know I can make it and everything will be fine in the end. Just not today. I love this place actually. I love London and its lifestyle. It’s just me that ruin everything. I sometimes wander around London. I see people and fall in love with each one. I find myself fit in with this place even more than Hanoi.Though im broken pieces, there are still times when I smile absentmindedly to myself. I always tell myself to remember my goals and work my ass off for them. I don’t want to regret anything.

oh and a thing i really like here is that everyone actually calls me destiny haha.

5 comments:

  1. ê blinh this is ngọc hà your oglmate
    heyyy blinh cố lên nhé thật sự tao cũng chả biết nói gì hơn ý vì cũng chưa bao giờ trải qua mấy chuyện này nhưng mà đừng tạo áp lực cho bản thân nhiều quá dần dần rồi mọi chuyện sẽ tốt lên thôi thời gian mọi người cần để làm quen với môi trường mới là khác nhau mà đừng panic quá
    và đối với tao thì blinh là một trong những người talented và artistic nhất mà tao biết hồi lớp 10 tao từng secretly admire mày vì mày chất quá ý sau này chung og thì mới biết hóa ra cũng điên như ai =)))
    vậy nhé chia sẻ đôi điều ngọc hà nghĩ về blinh hihi yêu blinh rất nhiềuuuu

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    1. cảm ơn ngọc hà và yêu nhiềuuu <3 hẹn năm sau blinh về og5 outing nhé nhớ quá

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  2. Hello dear 💕 I found your blog through depop! Anyway I juat want you to know that i feel for you so much! I came here in london almost 2 yrs ago and exactly felt like shit and depressed. The thought that i should be grateful for this rare and blessed opportunity to travel and stay even weighs more because it is not how i feel at the time. I was alone and useless too. But please know that it can only be better from here onward. This will pass and you will be so caught up with thr busy life. I know it's easier said than done but i hope you will find comfort that you're not alone 💕

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    1. Thank you so much for every single word <3 i also hope things will get better and better, to both you and me. btw i have followed your instagram for a reaaally long time and never thought you would come here and say something to me. You're the sweetest ily xx

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  3. liegtt1/11/16

    BẢO LINH ƠI CỐ LÊN!! SỐC LẠI TINH THẦN để học tập thật tốt nhé! Mạnh mẽ lên you can defeat them all, stay 'solid' �� gắng lên nhé ✊✊✊

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